a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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