my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
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In other news, I just burned my penis
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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