Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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