if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
