i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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