nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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