Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
