did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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