She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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