Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You pole danced in your parka.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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