apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
