dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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