I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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