Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
