My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm at about main and main street
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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