Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
