the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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