Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Sorry my hands just texted you
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
