mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
