Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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