Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
