highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
