Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.