The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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