God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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