a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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