: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
