I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
