Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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