WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
