I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
