the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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