If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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