I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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