I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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