if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
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So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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