it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
