I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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