Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
