I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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