I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
