Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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