I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
