I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
