Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She announced her abortion via fbk
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
