Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
