you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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