I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
