We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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