somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
