Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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